November 13, 1998
Post #770 – 19981113
To R.H. Dr. Mr. Daniel Pinkwater;
After reading “Young Adult Novel,” A few of my friends began an “art movement,” if you could even call it that, based on similar views. Had I been there to begin with, I would have readily informed them of the absurdity they had just created. Taking the ideas behind such a book into practice is highly irrational to say the least, but, as I learned later, they felt as if they had a calling. My name is Kevin, and the similarities, evidently, between my name and the infamous Kevin Shapiro were too much for them to keep quiet. At this point, they began brainwashing me with afternoon trips to local eateries and small cards mentioning local authorities, written in German, of course. I had no choice but to comply. I had become a full-fledged Merry Mouse, and I had never heard of “Young Adult Novel.”
It was three days ago that my friends began wreaking havoc on my social life.
What started as some innocent attempts to force-feed me Grape Nuts and the required wearing of coonskin hats (Faux, of course, we don’t want to hurt any fuzzy raccoonies) began a full-fledged attempt to make me a school Deity. Two days ago I heard about a poster in a hall where I have no classes. Then came the other posters. I’m sure there must have been at least a hundered, photocopied posters saying, “Kevin Harris: He’s the AWESOMEST: (Thing, Person, Place, Idea, Genius, and WARM FUZZY ENTITY!)
Yesterday they all came over to my house to celebrate our great victory. The posters, unlike our small German cards, had very little effect on the school as a whole and did little to sway the population, but they still felt as if they’d won something. They stayed a remarkably short while, and then left. One of them had left his backpack, but it was too late to return it. Curious, I looked inside the backpack. First I looked in the first compartment. It was empty! I was intrigued. I saw a bulge in another compartment. I opened it, and inside I saw a single book, “The Wuggie Norple Story.” The clue was not obvious, but I began to look for others. I did not find it until today, when they came over a second time. After they left, I came upon “Five Novels” on the Guest Room bed. I sat down and began to read. As I finished the final chapter, I understood. I am horrified! Had their campaign been a little more persuasive, I would now have had means to strike back, on THEIR terms. I have not. I am faced with a problem. How do I retaliate in ways that would be applicable in their fantasy world, taking into account they have brainwashed me, and also taking into account my limited rescources?
Indeed, I could use my cards and posters, but that has proved ineffective. I could start a rival “art movement”, but under what principle would it be deemed their nature, so they would truly understand the act? Perhaps it is only a matter of time.
–BTW: I don’t think I’m ANYthing like the Kevin from “Young Adult Novel.” I’ll give you the glasses, the comic books, but the shoes? Never. Maybe it was the shoes. Maybe that’s just my cult programming talking.
First, I did not write YOUNG ADULT NOVEL. I know, many people think I did. I also did not write YOUNG ADULTS, which contains the aforementioned, plus DEAD-END DADA and THE DADA BOYS IN COLLITCH. I wrote none of that trash. So, there's no point in complaining to me about your lousy friends. I write nice books about fuzzy animals. I am completely innocent. Stop writing to me.