Enid Cloyed

December 10, 2002

I have come to the frightening realization that my cat is the reincarnation of a polar bear. Truth be told, he is a most wondrous creature.

I am currently re-reading your 5 novels book, ecstatic that such wonders like Avacado of Death and Alan Mendelson are back in print. My mum, a cataloger, has spent many an hour speaking on your wondrous sense of humor. Soon, I got sick of her incessant yakking, and I read all I could of your works. I have to admit…mum was right. I was wondering…what should one do if one has a goofy name? Perhaps Jill would know, only I am dying to resolve the problem that has been plaguing me since my existence.

I have started a Dada-like petition to my school about stocking your books. So far the crusade has proved near fatal as they have locked me in a utility closet with nothing but a stick and a bit of string to keep me occupied.

How can I possibly escape? It is so damp in here, and I have nothing to eat (not even crunchy granola) I humbly ask the advice of such a wicked cool writer as you.

~ Honoria Maude Cloyed

Carefully gnaw the stick into a skeleton key, by trial and error. Unlock the closet door and step out. Then hang the key around your neck, using the string, for the next time your colleagues lock you up.