November 18, 2000
Post #1208 – 20001118
Dear Mr. Pinkwater,
I just wanted to say that your books are tofu and drink to me (I’d say meat and drink, but I’m a vegetarian). I’m totally obsessed. I’ve been nuts about your works of literature ever since I first opened Ned Feldman, Space Pirate sometime this August. I have been diagnosed with a strange disease called Transmittable Pinkwaterititis (Latin Name Literophilia hyrdorosa). It causes an uncanny attraction to your books. It is basically harmless, except for the severe depression it causes due to estrangement from Pinkwater works. The only treatment available is an unlimited supply of your books. I have been somewhat depressed for the past two days because I’d finished all of your books that I checked out at the library. Lucky for me, I will be going there and picking up 23 more today (no kidding–I placed a reserve for practically every Pinkwater book in the library). I’d better bring a big bag.
I also love all the references to food in your books, too. And the junky old cars that run like honey (e.g. the Peugot in the Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror, the Land Rover in The Worms of Kukumlima, even though it didn’t run like honey after the stone stairs, the Dorbzeldge in Borgel, and the Hindustan-eight in Yobgorgle.) Fantastic work!
Your insanely dedicated devotee,
Tyler A. Schroeder
11 years old
Another 40-year-old with a high IQ, posing as a kid of eleven. I've seen it so many times. You're not fooling anyone, Tyler. We know you're ready for a hair-weave, and your knees are starting to creak.
Tyler, want to work for us? All the tofu you can eat... --Ed