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Stefan Jones

Post #690 – 19970101

January 1, 1997

Dear Captain:

Many months ago I asked you what I should do with two avacados I’d bought after being inspired by your novel _The Snarkout Boys and the Avacado of Doom_. I turned these into guacamole (that’s Spanish for “guaca sauce”), but thoughtlessly threw away the pits.

Now I have two more fresh avacado pits, and would like to grow them as you suggested way back when. My question: Which side goes up? The skinny side? The fat side? If I get it wrong will the plant grow with its roots in the air until it can no longer hold its breath and drown?

Thank you in advance for your help!

Daniel replies:

I believe you're supposed to put the avocado pits under your pillow. Then the Avocado-Fairy will come in the night, and give you lovely dreams. Or kill you--I forget which.

Martha Silverspring

Post #698 – 19970101

January 1, 1997

You are an inspiration. I am 45, 5’7″, 275. Diet pills at 11, pediatricians threatening to wire my jaws together, every diet in the world since then. After the last one I gained 150 lb…

I had tried to diet for my beloved husband. I lost 80 with O.A. It was gruelling: I weighed and measured all my food, schlepped containers of healthy stuff everywhere, refrained from all sugar for 3 years. Finally I couldn’t hold my head under water anymore, I gained that 150, and now I am divorced.

I used to think, “if there was a pill I could take to make me a lesbian, I’d take it. At least dykes don’t care so much about weight.” Then I read ‘The Afterlife Diet’. Now I am looking for a Pinkwater-type man.

Oh, yes, and your voice on the radio is wonderful too.

P.S.- I am an R.N., and when some idiot tells me I’m overweight I say, “NO [censored]??!! No one HAS EVER SAID THAT to me before!!!” If that doesn’t stop them, I say, “You know, dear, there are worse things than being overweight. Like making personal remarks about other people’s bodies.” It’s great to be alive.

Daniel replies:

I am pretty clever on paper, when I can take time to prepare, but the following I actually came up with in real time:

DOCTOR: Mr. Pinkwater, I have to tell you, you are quite obese.

ME: Can you just _tell_ that? Fantastic! I guess they train you

to be observant. It must be great to be a doctor.

Malcolm Phillips

Post #688 – 19970101

January 1, 1997

My Dear Mr. Pinkwater,

I so injoyed your comentary ( 3/18/98) on finding a good deli in upstate NY. We finally have such an establishment in Oneonta. How ever that is not my reason for writing. There was a deli which my family and I loved in New Jersey….Pianicone’s, bakery/deli/resterante was a focal point of trips to the inlaws….fresh bread….picked out by it’s own number. This fall there was a fire, and we lost an old friend. The bakery is gone. I was surprised at the feeling of morning we all experienced. You comentary today reminded me of the wonderful tastes of an old friend.

Thanks for the reminder,

Malcolm Phillips, Oneonta NY

Daniel replies:

Funny, isn't it, how important bread is, and the memories and associations it can evoke?

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